emptycup

Church, Loss and Barium

This afternoon I start the prep for a barium enema. For some reason I waited until last night to Google what type of procedure this was because I am one of those rare few that takes the order from the doctor without asking any followup questions, such as – What the heck are you sending me to get done? The GI specialist told me that these procedures are exclusionary tests to ensure that the laparoscopy is the correct step to take – essentially to put the gynecologist’s (or eventual surgeon’s) mind at ease that there are no GI issues.

Knowing that these tests are simply to make someone else feel better seems like a waste of money when I have already been diagnosed with endometriosis, and my symptoms currently mirror my symptoms from 2005-2007. However, I will go along with this awful procedure on Tuesday, and the CT scan enterography on Friday like a good sport.

Aside from the shock of learning there’ll be  a tube placed where it should not be, today was a good day. I woke up and went to church. I went by myself because the husband was not feeling well and wanted to watch online, but I felt this uncomfortable nagging pulling me out of bed and soon found myself getting ready for church. Watching church online just is not the same. It is nice and convenient when you do not have the option to attend in person, but when you can and emptycupare just trying to get thirty more minutes of sleep, I feel like I’m disappointing God. 

Anyways, church was an amazing experience. I needed it. I was unable to go to the church I wanted because I did wake up later than I wanted – I thought service started at 11:15, turned out it was 10:30. So, I went to the church by my house at 11 am and sat through the Part 13 of its message my husband and I heard the first few parts from a few weeks ago. The pastor was passionate and the message struck a few cords, but really, my quiet reflection and conversation with God is what re-centered me and refilled my cup for the week.

After church, I went home and warmed up leftovers for lunch, told the husband about the service, and then retired for a mid-afternoon nap after taking some more pain medication.  The next thing I know, I was being woken up for dinner at my in-laws. It was a great dinner and I was so grateful we did not have to cook ourselves. However, we were nonchalantly given news we had been expecting but were still devastated by — my husband’s great-grandmother had passed away a few hours ago.

We were shocked by how casually the news was broken to us, but it seemed the news giver goodbyethought we had already been told so it was understandable. My heart breaks so much for great-grandpa, though. I cannot imagine losing my husband after our seven years of friendship and, now, marriage. Yet, seventy-three (73) years. Seventy-three. Years. That is longer than my mom has been alive. Almost as long as my grandma! It is essentially, a lifetime.

They were so happy together. I am sure there were tough times. Everyone has them. Yet, gosh, his great-grandpa adores – no, he worships- the great-grandma. He was so affectionate, caring, attentive, respectful, everything a husband should be to a wife, and she was everything and more to him.  To say that she will be missed is an understatement.

It is ironic that I wrote my post yesterday about time. Time will not make it easier for the family to live without her. Time will not heal the wound of her loss. Time is punishing. Yes, by surrounding ourselves with loved ones, by rallying around great-grandpa, we may be able to make the wound, the space left not so raw… but no one could replace her or fill her void. God has a plan. He used great-grandma to save so many people throughout her life. He used her to save my husband’s grandma by fostering her, who had his mother,  and his mother soon brought my husband into the world.

So, I will forever be grateful to great-grandma for her kind heart. If not for her, I may not have my happy ending.

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Time is Cruel

“Time heals all wounds” is complete bull.

While watching my latest addiction, “Lethal Weapon,” I heard a pearl of wisdom that has been on my mind a lot since watching it:

“Time is cruel. It punishes.”  Dr. Maureen Cahill

Oh, goodness, does it ever! The writer for this scene is a philosophical genius!  Time is punishing. Time is our most precious commodity. It is what is taken away when people are imprisoned. Of course we take away the person’s freedom, as well, but what the government is really taking away is the person’s time. Time with family. Time advancing at his or her job. Time enjoying life. Time watching his or her children grow. Time to do whatever he or she wants to do.  Continue reading “Time is Cruel”

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Accepting the Imposter

I lost the desire to get out of bed a long time ago.

Today was no different.

On top of my right lower quadrant pain, my body decided that sleep was beneath it last night. Typically, I would drive to the nearest Starbucks and order a Venti skinny caramel macchiato with two extra shots of espresso to wake myself up and power through the workday, alas, I am trying out the super restrictive Endometriosis Diet that restricts caffeine. Who’s dumb idea was this anyways????  Continue reading “Accepting the Imposter”

endo-chick

The Hidden Danger of Support Groups: Comparing Your Journey to Others

Over the last few weeks, I have joined a handful of support groups for endometriosis and chronic pain. I am not sure what I was looking for at first, but as time went on it became clear I was seeking validation that I was not crazy and making up my symptoms (as most doctors have told me before). I’ve never been a “support group” person. Honestly, I do not know who would qualify as a “support-group” person, but in my mind this was not me. I tend to deal with most of my problems by myself or through venting to the vast unknown of faceless strangers who usually do not respond if I post the ramblings my vent session has produced.

Nonetheless, I have become an active voyeur on two of these Facebook-based pages and stumbled upon a post the other day that struck a cord in me that felt like I had secretly written it myself using the old “I’m asking for a friend…” story line.  The post was written by a young girl’s mother concerned that her daughter’s endometriosis is not “serious enough” for surgery. She revealed her daughter is scheduled to have a laparoscopy at the Center for Endometriosis Care by Dr. S (where I am trying to get accepted), and it struck a cord because this mother is having the same feelings I am!  Continue reading “The Hidden Danger of Support Groups: Comparing Your Journey to Others”

older-couple

Love and Coma: Finding Blessings in the Unknown

On Wednesday, the husband and I started our Thanksgiving journey with a few bumps in the road. See  I was supposed to go to work on Wednesday; however, I woke up in excruciating pain and thought I could take some pain medication to relieve it. Nothing relieved it. So, instead, I called off and decided it would be best to work from home. Yet, the husband did not want to leave me alone due to my level of pain, and he had already made plans to go visit his great-grandmother with his mom and sister that afternoon. What better place to be when you’re in pain than the one place you would go if it got worse?  Plus, I really wanted to see great-grandma since the last time had been at our wedding and we had not heard a lot about what was going on. I popped another pain pill and hopped in the van. Continue reading “Love and Coma: Finding Blessings in the Unknown”

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The Inevitable Crash: Deep Thoughts on Endometriosis

hopeIt’s getting worse. I did not sleep last night. I spent the night drifting in and out of the scariest half-awake dreams I’ve ever had. I could not center myself. I could bring myself back to reality. I felt my pain. I felt my restlessness. Yet, I also felt wide awake. Was this because I took a dosage of tramadol too close to bedtime? It was around 7 PM… that could not have affected my sleep, right? Continue reading “The Inevitable Crash: Deep Thoughts on Endometriosis”