How old Am I Again?
I would give anything to curl up with my blanket right now. There’s something about feeling the soft, vellux touch of it against my skin that soothes me. It always has. When I’m wrapped in my blanket, I’m protected against the world – no matter how naive and infantile that may sound. As I drove to work today, knowing that I was heading to the airport immediately after, an overwhelming desire to turn around to grab my blanket overcame me. I fought it because I was already running behind schedule, yet my skin has been crawling all day thinking about not having my blanket with me this weekend.
Since I lost my job at the beginning of August, I’ve noticed myself starting to revert to old habits I have not had in several years. I’ve been carrying my blanket around the house with me, when I used to keep it in the bedroom to sleep with at night only. Now, I use it all the time. I’ve been picking at my cuticles and biting my nails incessantly. No matter how much it hurts, or how much hard I try to stop I always seem to find myself mindlessly doing it again an hour or so later.
I am aware this is all a sign of an increase in anxiety – and maybe, depression. It’s odd, though, since I am happier than I have been. I do have more stress money-wise. I am upset with the friendships I lost from my old job – ones I thought were real yet turned out to be false. And, there is a lot of stress surrounding this weekend as it is the Shemitah jubilee, which typically signals a major global event — and I’m about to jump on a plane to our nation’s capitol, on the anniversary of the another global event that also occurred on a Shemitah year. I am terrified.
I’m in my late twenties and I want my freaking blankie. How lame can I get?
By the way… I just caught myself biting my nail.
Anyways, I love my job still. I have not received my first paycheck yet so I cannot tell you if doing what you love is worth the pay-cut, just yet. Stay tuned. I am finding more pleasure in my daily life. While I feel like I am still learning something new each day, I am so excited that we have an actual week coming up in which we attend a training intensive. And, I have already successfully made it through my first pre-trial conferences… next up, trial period!
Let’s hope I get this anxiety in check within the next two weeks…