The Inevitable Crash: Deep Thoughts on Endometriosis
It’s getting worse. I did not sleep last night. I spent the night drifting in and out of the scariest half-awake dreams I’ve ever had. I could not center myself. I could bring myself back to reality. I felt my pain. I felt my restlessness. Yet, I also felt wide awake. Was this because I took a dosage of tramadol too close to bedtime? It was around 7 PM… that could not have affected my sleep, right?
While at work yesterday the pain was getting worse. My medication was not helping. The heating pad was not helping. I thought I was about to be sick so I went into the bathroom and realized that I was spotting, again. This is a new symptom for me. I’ve seen others with endometriosis mentioning this symptom but I’ve never experienced it before. This is the second time for me, though.
The pain today is concentrated in my lower back. I feel like I have been lifting weights, although I know that not to be true. I have started to gather my medical records to start the process of sending away for a records review by the CEC. I am ready to take control of the disease. My doctor is not giving me control… I went to the GP today and he essentially told me that it sucks I’m in pain but that I have to “deal with it.” He refused to give me any pain medication. I told him I was out of my script from the emergency room but he said the medication could mess with my stomach, and since nothing really helps abdominal pain, I “just have to get used to it.”
In that moment, I wanted to gut punch the doctor, but I was too wrapped up in my own pain. Instead, he focused on worrying that my blood pressure was slightly elevated. Hmmm, maybe because I am experiencing pain on a 12/10 level at the moment? Could that explain the elevation?
He told me to keep track of my blood pressure and report back my rates over the next couple weeks – you know “use those Publix machines or something” needless to say, I am going to the specialist and looking for a new GP. He is a great man, do not get me wrong. Nonetheless, he has no idea what to do when it comes to endometriosis and abdominal pain.
Right now, it just feels like my body is repelling but I cannot stop for a second. I want to just stop. Stop and relax. Stop and cry. Stop and heal. Life and adulting does not allow me to do that, though. I am the only one with a job currently, and bills need paid, clients need represented, motions need argued. I need to live and go one with my life. I cannot stop living. I cannot let this take over my life. I do not know what to do anymore. I feel like a burden to everyone. And, at the same time, I feel like there is no one that is even truly aware what I am going through.
I feel alone.
I feel isolated.
I feel broken.
I am afraid of what I will find out by proceeding down this path. What if this is all in my head? What if there is no pain and I am somehow making this all up? I cannot believe that I am. All of this pain feels real. It hurts so much. The pain is excruciating at times. I am so uncomfortable. I feel bloated and empty at the same time. What if this condition somehow makes me less of a woman by removing my ability to have my own biological children? Does that define a woman? What does define a woman? Do I even deserve to raise children?
Maybe this is God’s way of telling me, you are not worthy of this path. Try another road. Does God place a desire for children on someone He does not intend to allow the ability to bare children?
I do not pretend to understand any of this or should I. God has a plan. Right now, I am breaking down so that He may rebuild me.