Accepting the Imposter
I lost the desire to get out of bed a long time ago.
Today was no different.
On top of my right lower quadrant pain, my body decided that sleep was beneath it last night. Typically, I would drive to the nearest Starbucks and order a Venti skinny caramel macchiato with two extra shots of espresso to wake myself up and power through the workday, alas, I am trying out the super restrictive Endometriosis Diet that restricts caffeine. Who’s dumb idea was this anyways????
No Nos while on this Diet, Include but is not limited to:
- Red Meat
- Refined Sugars
- Fried Foods
- Carbonated Beverages
What I can eat:
- …. Still figuring it out.
Since I’ve sworn to be honest, I’ll admit that I broke down by 2:00 P.M. I made myself a cup of Nespresso in my office – not the same as Starbucks but it was something. In my defense, I had a killer migraine that had developed throughout the day and it was all I could think to do in order to make it subside… it did not work. It usually does, though.
My lack of energy was at an all-time low (or high depending on how you’re measuring it) when I walked out of the office at the end of the day that the thought of driving home was too overwhelming. So, I reclined my seat, locked the doors, and closed my eyes. My pain woke me up a few minutes later and pushed me home – but the few moments of twitchy half sleep was enough to refuel my reservoir enough. Where are these self-driving cars when you need them?
When I got home, though, I did immediately put on pajamas, grabbed my heating pad and told my husband to wake me up when dinner was ready. #besthusbandever
I realize that I do not accept my disease yet. I thought I did, but the more I hang out in the support groups, the more I realize I am in denial and in the depressed state BEFORE acceptance. Don’t get me wrong, I know I have endometriosis. I know my pain is real.I just am not willing to accept that this is a lifelong disease with no cure. I also struggle with feeling like I fit in with the other women who suffer with endometriosis because I feel like I “bailed” after my surgery in 2007. I was young and knew nothing about my disease or what it meant, I moved on – still experiencing pain but ready to move forward. Had I known about the groups, maybe I would have joined. Maybe not. I just feel like an impostor only having this short history of re-discovery of my disease after it was relatively dormant for almost ten years. Now — I do not want to give up. I want to accept my illness and start fighting for the relief I know I desperately need. I know I need the surgery.
Right now I have all the medical records I think I need to gather. I have my two GI tests scheduled for Friday and Tuesday… Tuesday’s test is going to be a hell of a time, it involves bowel preparation and does not sound fun at all. I am going through the motions of doing everything that needs to be completed but I do not know if I have allowed everything to sink in. I am terrified. How the heck are we going to do this? I have zero days off of work right now… I’m currently missing days and hours left and right due to pain so I’m barely accruing anything. How am I supposed to take time off for a surgery? HECK… WHAT IF DR. S DOESN’T ACCEPT ME FOR THE SURGERY? Who would I turn to then?
I feel alone in this moment. Rationally, I know that I am not alone yet it is a lot to handle for such a new marriage when my husband is still waiting to start a job, learning how to run a household, and is figuring out that maintaining a budget is difficult with one salary and his wife’s unexpected medical visits every, damn, week. Endometriosis is an isolating disease. You have to fight for others to believe you have it. Fight for treatment. Fight for continued care. Fight to be heard when you experience pain. Fight through each day.
We are warriors. Every. Single. Day.
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