Time is Cruel
“Time heals all wounds” is complete bull.
While watching my latest addiction, “Lethal Weapon,” I heard a pearl of wisdom that has been on my mind a lot since watching it:
“Time is cruel. It punishes.” Dr. Maureen Cahill
Oh, goodness, does it ever! The writer for this scene is a philosophical genius! Time is punishing. Time is our most precious commodity. It is what is taken away when people are imprisoned. Of course we take away the person’s freedom, as well, but what the government is really taking away is the person’s time. Time with family. Time advancing at his or her job. Time enjoying life. Time watching his or her children grow. Time to do whatever he or she wants to do.
When my symptoms first arose in 2005, I felt similar to how I feel now – my life, as I knew it, had died. Dramatic? Maybe. I’ve always been a bit of a drama queen.
But when you go from an active, straight-A teenager involved in community theater, high school drama club, color guard (aka flag twirler), after school job, and hanging out with friends, to all of a sudden not being able to do anything but lay in bed with a heating pad turned ALL the way up, eating pain medication, and missing school regularly… well, it really is like your old life has to be left behind and buried, while you learn to adapt to your new reality.
Over time, I learned to adapt to my new way of life. My body did not “heal,” I simply learned to adapt to the pain. When I previously could not handle a level five (5) pain day, I now welcomed those days with open arms. Eventually, after my laparoscopy and six (6) months of Lupron Depot, my pain was more “manageable.”
Apart from a few short relapses over the last nine (9) years, I count myself among the lucky few who have found some relief from this dreadful disease.
That is until November of this year.
If you want to read the long version of what’s been happening, check out this post and this one. Essentially, the long and short is that over the last five weeks, I have been the Emergency Room twice, seen five doctors, had nine tests completed and am not sure how others go through this continuously! I went through this back in 2005 for almost three years, and I am not sure I will be able to continue this route for three years. Especially if we want to start having children anytime in the near future.
Honestly, how can the same areas hurt non-stop for this long? That is what is baffling me. Before I was able to push aside any worry because the pain would stop or move locations; however, every single day since the start of November I had pain in the same areas – nonstop.
I will not give up hope. There is a doctor who will be able to provide me relief from this disease. One day I will be able to get through a work day again without feeling like my insides are being twisted in a vise grip. One day my pain will not cause me to have a short temper. One day I will regain control over my life.
Please be aware that I do not intend my site to be downtrodden all the time. Nonetheless, I intend to provide an honest insight into how endometriosis affects one’s life. I cannot sugar-coat what I am going through, as it is only a fraction of the severity some women go through each day.
The time waiting for the next step may seem cruel and unusual but it is part of the process. God has a plan. Tomorrow when I attend church with my husband, I am going to pray deeply for strength. I cannot do this alone. I am breaking apart at the seams. I am lashing out at the only support system I have, and I am done.
I need to start new and be patient in my waiting.
How do you patiently wait? Does it get easier?
What are you struggling with right now?
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