Chronic Illness & Endometriosis Health

My Blue Christmas: How Missing the North Ruined My Christmas

The last few days I have wanted to write this post. I have thought about what to say and how to start it over and over again. The words would not come, though. This was supposed to be a Christmas post. In someways, the season is not over yet. Nonetheless, it has not felt like Christmas this year. Has anyone else felt like that?

The weather here in Florida has been unseasonably warm and people have not been cheerful like they usually are during the holiday season. I’ve tried everything to get myself into the season.  I bought hot chocolate, decorated the house, dressed as if it was cold, and even listened to Christmas music (I am not a huge fan, typically). Nothing seemed to work this year, though. Somehow, though we got to the big day and my husband and I spent it in a very unusual way – we played a computer game together.

On Christmas Eve, my husband and I spent the entire day playing Civilization V. We played up until ten minutes before we had to leave for Christmas Eve service. We rushed to shower and get dressed – luckily, we only live around the corner from the church, so we arrived during the opening songs. The place was packed.   We found his family and started to sing along with the band, and somewhere into the second song that’s when it happened. I do not know what it was exactly, maybe it was the awe of seeing so many people in one place worshiping God, maybe it was me missing my family or my endometriosis pain… all I know is that the tears started rolling.

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My Northern Family Playing Awesome Games without me!

I miss my family. I miss the cold of the north. I miss the chaos of our small house trying to squeeze everyone inside to exchange gifts. All of us waiting to pick a stocking that Grams spend hours putting together and thinking about exactly how much the big “money” winner would be… even though each stocking would have a money gift in it, so we would all be winners in some respect.

My husband and I used to argue before we got married – not argue I can hear him say but discuss – moving back North, I always said that I loved Florida and would not want to move back. However, after this season, I am beginning to rethink my decision.  Given my recent recurrence of my endometriosis and possibly hernia or adenomyosis, all I want is to be closer to my family for comfort and care.  I mean, seriously, what is better than getting tea and toast from grams when you don’t feel good? 

The interesting part of all this is that I was never really a momma’s girl growing up. I was pretty independent. I guess, I was a grandma’s girl, if I’m being entirely honest. So, yeah, that has not changed. She has so much experience being a mom that she is just so nurturing. She is always asking if I need anything and folding my blanket and getting me food and chocolates.

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My grams and Me at College Graduation Circa 2010

I knew the holidays were going to be rough, yet I was not aware just how difficult. When I woke up the day after Christmas, it was as if the holiday has not even happened. This year did not feel like Christmas at all. There was no real “family time” spend together aside from Christmas Eve. There were no Christmas movies watched, the focus of the week was off, everything seemed focused on gifts, it was just off.  Luckily, my husband and I did not go crazy shopping and spent a lot of time together so honestly, I am happy that I married him – he’s pretty awesome. 

My goal over the next year is to focus more on family and spending time in the moment. There is too much time spent on our phones, focusing on things, and not enjoying our time in the moment with family and friends. Should probably start working on that New Years post, too… 

Oh, enjoy this lovely picture of my family on Christmas, you cannot even tell that we had to force everyone to take this shot 😉

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4 Comment

  1. I am feeling you this year. I had a very blue Christmas as well. On top of being sick for the entirety of it, this was the first Christmas I have spent away from my family and the first Christmas where literally ALL of my friends live in different states. It is a very hard season to go through when you can’t just go to your parents or your best friends house. I don’t think people really understand what you are going through either. The typical response I got this year was “well at least you are home for Christmas”. Yeah….but this year home just felt like a house and not really a home for the holidays. It has definitely been a weird funk these past couple of weeks.

    1. This is such an odd phase for us. It’s hard making friends, too, when you’ve either had college friends who you basically lived with or life-long friends who you went to school with since preschool. Now it’s work, home, sleep, repeat. I’m sorry you were sick during the holidays that really throws a wrench in the mix of everything else 🙁 Let’s plan a computer game night soon – I figure you and the hubs don’t have much interest in the google hangout and A and I have been doing a lot of gaming lately!

  2. It’s a difficult thing to get used to, that’s for sure. My husband and I have only spent two of the last seven Christmases since we got married with family because we work in healthcare and have to work every other Christmas. And even if it’s a year we have it off, if it’s in the middle of the week, it’s not like we can go anywhere because we have to work the day before and the day after anyway. Since we can never get home to my parents’ house, I haven’t seen my friends around the holidays since we were still in college (I also graduated in 2010!) So even though I’m used to having lonely Christmases, it really doesn’t make it any easier, so I know how you feel.🙁

    1. Oh goodness, it does seem like it is definitely a very widespread issue for people – especially in our age group. Work and distance makes the holidays a difficult time for sure. Hopefully you will be able to get time off in the coming year to visit home and your friends 🙂 I am trying to plan a trip home or get my family to visit me when I have my surgery <3 hugs!

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