Chronic Illness & Endometriosis Health

Endometriosis Depression: Feeling Alone in the Pain

Worthless. I feel completely worthless. Rationally, I know this is not true. In this moment, this moment that has extended the last hour, I feel I could disappear and no one would notice. I could slip away in the night and everyone would move on with their lives as if nothing happened. Eventually people would think, “I haven’t see her in awhile, that’s weird.” but then immediately go back to his or her ordinary life.  In these moments, even my husband feels like a stranger. I feel like he stares right through me with eyes colder than a glacier. Again, none of this is rational. It is simply how I feel.

lonelyI move through the evening like I am wadding through a pool of thick, mud and find some way to turn on the shower. I lit the candles and turn off the lights. I turn the shower to the warmest setting I can muster in an attempt to feel, anything. And, I stand. I stand in the same spot for what feels like hours, although I know only seconds have passed. I contemplate my life. Why do I have to feel constant pain? Why do I have to feel alone? Why do I feel isolated? Why am I lost? Why I am feeling this way? 

I lack any answers.

I want to be alone. I want to be wrapped in my husband’s arms and told how much I am loved and cared for until I believe it again.

I am tired of feeling pain for my endometriosis. I am tired of falling into my depressions. I am tired of being homesick and feeling alone in this battle.

How do you make this work? How do you live life? I feel as though I have forgotten how to be and am destroying everyone and everything in my path with my unhappiness because I simply cannot remember how to be happy.

My hope is that my surgery will bring some resolution to these feelings of despair and loss. I am at a crossroads and do not know what to do. No one seems to understand the full extent of what I go through D A I L Y  and I have grown weary of explaining it. I wish my loved ones could see how poorly I feel and know that I am suffering each and every moment. I wish I did not have to remind them every moment, because each reminder makes me feel more guilty.

There are about twelve more days until my surgery and I am doing my best each day not to put too much hope into that one basket, but I know that my hope is placed into this surgery. I am hoping that the surgery will take away the pain, the guilty, the loneliness.

I am ready to re-enter the world.

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3 Comment

  1. I really relate to this. I don’t have endo but I do have severe vulvodynia and I can’t tell you how many times I have felt completely alone in the pain, and like my existence is nothing but pointless, meaningless suffering. I pray for a ray of sunshine in your life to remind you that you matter to the Most High and those who love you – and even those who have never met you (like me!), who are grateful for your bravery in expressing your anguish. Your loneliness has made me feel less alone. May your days be easy and your burden be light xxx

    1. Aw, thank you so much for your kind words <3 My hope is that my journey is able to help others some. God has all of us in His hands, and none of us our truly alone… it is amazing we are all able to connect through these sites 🙂 Praying for you, as well. xx

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