My Endometriosis Pain Confession
Nearly six weeks have past since my surgery and it seems that my pain level has decided to even out at a 3-5 range. This is an acceptable range for me considering the realm of hell I was living prior to the surgery, but I would be lying if I did not say that I expected to be pain-free. Now, I had no clue what pain-free would feel like, and there was a huge part of me that felt as though I would be losing a part of my identity. Nonetheless, I was more than happy to say “peace out” to the constant torture.
Now, I had no clue what pain-free would feel like, and there was a huge part of me that felt as though I would be losing a part of my identity.
My life for the last decade has revolved around monitoring my pain level. From the moment I noticed the first twinge of pain while serving ice cream at Dairy Queen at seventeen, until I was at work and doubled over in pain at twenty-eight and felt the all-too-familiar jarring, searing pain of the endometrial lesions wrecking havoc on my uterus and surrounding regions.
The pain started in November and did not let up one day until the surgery. It has not let up one day sense. Given the pain is no longer has jarring and intense as it once was, it is still present. The mental strain of experiencing physical pain each day is something that is difficult to explain. Since the pain is no longer an excruciating level of discomfort, I feel more guilty when I mention it, yet the pain is more of a nuisance now since everyone expects me to be at 100% capacity nearly two months post-surgery. How do you explain that endometriosis is not curable?
The mental stress of dealing with even the small amount of “annoying pain” each day since my surgery has caused me to feel so exhausted and annoyed. I am annoyed at life. I am annoyed at this situation. I am annoyed at my body. I am annoyed at God for allowing this situation to occur in me. Why has he not taken it away? What if He did take it away?
My disease has been my crutch for so long. I have used it to get out of any unpleasant activity because I do feel like crap 80% of the time. I’ve used it to explain away my depression. It’s been my reasoning for not joining the military – when I know I could have sucked it up and trained harder, there are SO MANY strong women serving our country who suffer from this (and many other) illnesses, and I used mine as an excuse. I used it as a reason to stay in bed for most of my college experience because I was so afraid to face reality. I’ve used it to this day to avoid advancing to any point higher than I feel comfortable, and will start to self-sabotage myself the moment any situation becomes too challenging by my body beginning to break-down.
At one point I did not think my life could get any lower or darker than the moment I was experiencing. I tried to sleep away my life. The moment appeared to last forever. No friends seemed to notice that I was drifting away, pulling myself away, hiding away from them – from everyone. I stopped going to classes. What was the point? No one would even notice if I slipped away. They had no idea the pain I was experiencing each and every single day. There was no relief. No moment of reprisal. Doctors would no give me anything. I was a young kid seeking a fix – in the doctor’s eyes. The truth, though, was that one moment of relief was all I needed to save my life.
Somehow, I made it through. I do not remember the second it stopped. I do not even recall the day or week or month. All I know is that at some point, the pain became less frequent… until it’s return in November. That is why I am vowing to not let the same course continue again. The pattern will be broken.
I am not an endometriosis suffer.
I am Juliane and I happen to deal with endometriosis, chronic migraines, pituitary adenoma, [INSERT ILLNESS OF THE DAY].
No longer will I use my illness as my excuse! I will use what I have learned in my journey with each of these diagnoses to help others. No longer will I be a hostage to the diagnoses. It is said that “knowledge is power” so to gain back my power, and for you to get yours, we will work through this journey together to learn everything there is to know about our diagnoses, what can be done, how to cope, mental health avenues, and much more.