Unexpected Turns: Ambition, Depression, and Finding Satisfaction
The world is a mystical place. It is full of unexpected adventures and misfortunes that one would never expect at the beginning of her journey. At the start of mine, I was young, naive and easily manipulated by anyone who showed any potential to take me away from my small isolated bubble of an existence. Depression was never on my radar.
I had no idea what I wanted or who I wanted to become. I was always searching for something. My sister and I used to explore the wooded area between our home and our neighbors pretending to be Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, wondering what the half completed ruin of a building was going to become, or used to be. If we were brave enough to walk all the way to the bottom of the building structure, we might stumble upon the decaying remains of someone long forgotten…
Part of me wanted to climb into the ruins and stay, or leave behind a piece of memory for someone else to find decades later. The thought of being forgotten haunted me even as a child. It’s strange how a child cannot grasp death, but being forgotten was something I was able to worry about almost every day.
The weird, somewhat dark fantasies of grandeur I had as a child would probably scare most parents. To my mom, I was a bright child who had a vivid imagination. I watched a lot of news at night, read the newspaper, and devoured mystery novels as if I needed them to breath. I always wanted to be someone special – someone important to others. My small rural town in Ohio was never enough for me, and unfortunately, my family knew that.
Let’s fast forward to today, and I still find myself searching to fill that part of my soul that desires to be recognized by others for some great thing. There is a possibility that I will never feel fulfillment because I will continually strive to be better (I hope that this is true)… but there has to be something that causes me to feel satisfaction, right?
As of today, I live almost exactly one thousand miles away from my hometown. I am married to an amazing man. I have a gorgeous puppy, a great job, I find peace in blogging, I am a in the process of starting a dream podcast and there still seems to be something that is … missing?
Could it be Depression?
Maybe this is all endo depression? Or, just depression. My emotions have been all over the place since my excision surgery. As I wrote about before, I went through a bunch of emotional highs and lows. When I was recovering, I was afraid of how I would feel when the pain disappeared, but when the pain did not disappear I went into a lower depression thinking my life would never get better. I do not know what I will do at this point, truly. I have put off going to the doctor again, because I do not know what can be done at this point.
What direction do I want my life to take? How have I lost my drive and desire? Honestly, lose of desire is a sign of depression, but it’s unlikely it manifested in my seven-year old self, right? I could have been depressed my whole life, I suppose. This is when I hear my grandma saying “You have no reason to be depressed, sweetie!” And, yes, if it was sadness, I do have no reason to be sad. I have a great life. Nonetheless, depression is caused by a chemical imbalance, so no matter how “great” your life, you can still suffer from depression.
Hormone Imbalances Exaggerate Mental Health Issues
The hormone irregularities caused by my endometriosis make my depression and anxiety harder to control. While part of me wants to say, how I am feeling is more than run of the mill depression, it is probably depression that is not being controlled properly. I do need to start seeing a psychologist to ensure my medication regime is reevaluated. My pain is not being regulated, my hormones are out of whack, my migraines are out of control, and there are so many things that need to be fixed but I am so overwhelmed that I do not know where to start sometimes.
If only Florida would speed up the medicinal marijuana regulation structure, I would be able to go to the doctor and get gummies legally and have no more issues because I know that a 100 mg THC gummy works miracles for my pain, depression, and nausea. Let’s hope that the regulation structure is put into place soon. I would love to start litigating cases in that area, too… or open a Starbucks-style shop when it eventually becomes legal. I’ve got some big dreams!
Maybe it is in our nature to not have satisfaction, anymore. We seek instant gratification with communication, food, and, even payment for services… waiting twenty-four hours for something seems like an eternity. So, why should I expect to feel satisfaction in my life at any moment? The world around us teaches to constantly want something newer, better, bigger, bolder!
We have to find a way to seek satisfaction in what we have, in who we are, and finding joy in the people around us. Today may not be the day for me to figure out the secret formula but I will keep trying.