Reevaluating Myself & Self-Editing Bull
The other day I was told about about someone’s friend who tried a new type of treatment and was cured of endometriosis! This person meant well, of course. Yet, I wanted to throw my computer off my desk or scream through my screen THERE IS NO CURE FOR ENDOMETRIOSIS!
The lack of understanding about my disease is astonishing. With 176 million women worldwide suffering from this disease, how could more not be understood?
Heck, I did not know much about the disease myself until November and I had it for over ten years at that point. Now, I have undergone a surgery to correct two occult hernias I had no idea I had, a misshapen uterus, removal of a fibroid previously unknown, excision of multiple areas of endometrial tissue, and am now in pelvic floor therapy.
Prior to all of this, I had no idea what pelvic floor therapy was – let alone it existed at all. Now, it is my favorite thing to look forward to every other week. The pain is excruciating during the session and for most of the day afterwards, yet it makes me feel better the next day and the session itself is a stress relief – a moment to stop and focus on my recovery.
In that room, my therapist accepts that I have a disease that needs treatment. She acknowledges that I have real pain. She accepts my limitations but does not judge me for it. She treats me as a real person, talks to me as a friend (she would be an awesome friend, she’s the coolest!), and in the hour session, I feel like I do not have to hide myself for who I am – a woman in pain, an endowarrior.
I’ve been dealing with a lot over the last two or three weeks having to look at how I present myself in the public eye – reevaluating how others perceive me. My life has been, in someways, under a microscope. I have caused some of the spotlight by creating a website and sharing my inner thoughts on chronic pain, sharing statuses online, and so on. Nonetheless, some criticism is not always warranted. People are so quick to judge from afar without confronting each other in person. We make snap comments without thinking about the consequences – the future impact on relationships which have taken years to cultivate. Friendships can crumble so quickly with one click of the ‘enter’ button.
Now, I double check every word I write and/or type. I am almost paralyzed in my writing. My therapeutic outlet has all but been taken away from me because of one dumb, thoughtless post I made, albeit from a good place in my heart, but with poor word choice. I do not even know what to do anymore. Where do I go from here?
Do I stop writing? Will I be able to find joy in it again? Will I be able to write without thinking I am going to destroy another relationship? How do others have all of these “no holds bar” blogs? Do you just not worry what others say? How do you handle that?
My mental health is really struggling with all this crap and I want to get over it and just get back to my good writing shit and not this crap this is so scrubbed down and over analyzed that it sounds like crap.