“Why?” The Only Question You need to Ask
I take another pill to numb the pain, to help me sleep, to help mask the emptiness. No longer do I even know for which I am searching – I have given up entirely. My passion for everything has disappeared. My joy is gone. My world and life feels as though I am stuck on a continuous loop with no eject button.
At the blink of an eye I can break down. The buckets of tears are right there just waiting to pour out, wanna test me? One more push, and I will tumble over. I do not know if I have the strength to get back up this time.
A year ago, we were filled with hopes and dreams but in reality nothing was any different. I was as stressed, as emotional, slightly less ready to break, but I was distracted with a purpose – wedding planning. I have nothing to focus my attention on anymore. My husband is great. I do not know how to be a great wife, yet. How do you come home and act energetic and happy when you had to do that at work all day? I cannot cook. I suck at cleaning. I try. Then, I do not try. Part of me does not care because “I am who I am.” Does that apply?
My chronic pain is no longer able to be used as an excuse because after a year of nearly constant pain (it’s been intermittent this last month) people are pretty sick of hearing about it. My doctor even basically told me there was no reason for my pain because “they fixed everything.” I feel attacked at every angle and all I want is a moment of peace. A moment of clarity. Why am I always playing the victim?
How perfect would it be to pack a bag (and your dog) and just leave. Walk away from everything. Why does it seem so difficult to do? It really isn’t that hard. You do not have any actual commitments to your job. You could find another, eventually. And, what are you missing each day while you sit in your cubicle? There is so much to life that we waste away working 9-5 jobs! Why do we do this? It does not make any sense to me? And, how are there no accommodations for chronic illness sufferers? This is the 21st century! Why can we not telecommute when not needed in the office? Why can we not work alternate hours to accommodate for morning stiffness and insomnia?
Never stop asking.