why
Chronic Illness & Endometriosis

“Why?” The Only Question You need to Ask

Why?

I take another pill to numb the pain, to help me sleep, to help mask the emptiness. No longer do I even know for which I am searching – I have given up entirely. My passion for everything has disappeared. My joy is gone. My world and life feels as though I am stuck on a continuous loop with no eject button.

At the blink of an eye I can break down. The buckets of tears are right there just waiting to pour out, wanna test me? One more push, and I will tumble over. I do not know if I have the strength to get back up this time.

Why?

A year ago, we were filled with hopes and dreams but in reality nothing was any different.  I was as stressed, as emotional, slightly less ready to break, but I was distracted with a purpose – wedding planning.  I have nothing to focus my attention on anymore. My husband is great. I do not know how to be a great wife, yet. How do you come home and act energetic and happy when you had to do that at work all day? I cannot cook. I suck at cleaning. I try. Then, I do not try. Part of me does not care because “I am who I am.” Does that apply?

My chronic pain is no longer able to be used as an excuse because after a year of nearly constant pain (it’s been intermittent this last month) people are pretty sick of hearing about it. My doctor even basically told me there was no reason for my pain because “they fixed everything.” I feel attacked at every angle and all I want is a moment of peace. A moment of clarity. Why am I always playing the victim?

Why?

How perfect would it be to pack a bag (and your dog) and just leave. Walk away from everything. Why does it seem so difficult to do? It really isn’t that hard. You do not have any actual commitments to your job. You could find another, eventually. And, what are you missing each day while you sit in your cubicle? There is so much to life that we waste away working 9-5 jobs! Why do we do this? It does not make any sense to me? And, how are there no accommodations for chronic illness sufferers? This is the 21st century! Why can we not telecommute when not needed in the office? Why can we not work alternate hours to accommodate for morning stiffness and insomnia?

Why?

Never stop asking.

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3 Comment

  1. Juliane

    Life is hard. I feel your pain. I know exactly where you are and I have been there time and again. In some ways Im there now.
    I know it’s an everyday struggle and effort to even get up and do something…anything sometimes. For me it’s worse when I don’t though so I still get up.
    I know you are tired and frustrated and maybe despondent as well. There are no words that can change that feeling. In the moment as great support as we may have, btw I’m happy your hubby is great, mine is too, in the moment it’s just us and God really.
    Honestly, on an objective and rational level I know God is still working for my good and I have to trust Him more. In the midst of the crippling pain and morphine IV or the darkness that seems to overwhelm me ….objectivity and rationalism are lost. All the sayings and even beliefs that I have about life, pain, suffering …they mean nothing.
    I go on because the fleeting moments of happiness, the day with less pain meds, the day without opioid meds, the few and far between good moments with my husband are worth more than the dark moments.
    I go on because I trust God even when I don’t understand His plan or get an answer to my why. I go on because I have hope however small that a better moment is coming and I look forward to that.
    I still cry, I still weep, I still mourn all that I have lost…but I go on.
    In terms of work and the provisions that are not made even in this enlightened age is sad. It says that there’s need for more education and advocacy. Maybe we are the ones to bring awareness.
    I encourage you to hold on…even if by the fingernails. I believe that morning always comes after the night just that night sometimes seems to go on forever. God says that His plans towards us are good, towards hope and a future. I trust this although I cannot see beyond the dark.
    In those moments I remind myself of God’s promises; I remind myself that He inhabits our praises so I sing/ listen to music; I remind myself that the Holy Spirit is interpreting my prayers for me and that Jesus intercede on my behalf and I remind myself that if God is concerned about the sparrows and knows the number of hairs on my head…he’s definitely concerned about my pain. Above all I remind myself that God is able to carry me …because I can’t carry myself.
    Keep trusting Juliane, keep fighting, make the best decisions you can for you and trust God to do the rest.
    Trust that your why will be answered one day and until then God’s grace is sufficient.

    I will definitely be praying for you….I know it’s the prayers of my friends that keep me going and pushing. I will do the same for you.

    Hold on!

  2. Very nice! I can so relate hun minus the husband and minus the job (had to stop working due to my diminished health). If is quite a horrendously lonely frustrating journey we go through judgements, pain, no energy more pain ugh!
    My prayers are with you xxoo
    Cathy Kean

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