Being a part of the endometriosis community, you hear a lot of stories of women receiving unpleasant diagnoses. Several have discussed depression and mental health concerns, but no one really digs in deep because it’s such a taboo subject. I’ve read plenty of stories of newly diagnosed women, added my “I’m so sorry to hear” […]
The world is a mystical place. It is full of unexpected adventures and misfortunes that one would never expect at the beginning of her journey. At the start of mine, I was young, naive and easily manipulated by anyone who showed any potential to take me away from my small isolated bubble of an existence. […]
A few months ago, I was contemplating how I would continue life in a new identity as a pain-free person. I thought my surgery in January would be a miracle and cure every ailment I have and I would wake up a new woman!
Nearly six weeks have past since my surgery and it seems that my pain level has decided to even out at a 3-5 range. This is an acceptable range for me considering the realm of hell I was living prior to the surgery, but I would be lying if I did not say that I […]
When I went in to have my surgery I knew the inherent risks and had a basic understanding of what to expect. Heck, I was posting about it! I had a previous laparoscopic surgery in 2007, so I thought I was an ol’ pro! Yet, ten years of growth, ten years of aging, and a new procedure make a world of difference.
The last few days I have felt an ability to move more freely and do more things on my own. I showered on my own. Dressed myself. I even drove to the mailbox half mile down the road to get a package! I had no idea what to expect after surgery, really. Yet, when I woke this morning, I could tell that something was not right.
I move through the evening like I am wadding through a pool of thick, mud and find some way to turn on the shower. I lit the candles and turn off the lights. I turn the shower to the warmest setting I can muster in an attempt to feel, anything. And, I stand. I stand in the same spot for what feels like hours, although I know only seconds have passed. I contemplate my life. Why do I have to feel constant pain? Why do I have to feel alone? Why do I feel isolated? Why am I lost? Why I am feeling this way?
The weather here in Florida has been unseasonably warm and people have not been cheerful like they usually are during the holiday season. I’ve tried everything to get myself into the season. I bought hot chocolate, decorated the house, dressed as if it was cold, and even listened to Christmas music (I am not a huge fan, typically). Nothing seemed to work this year, though. Somehow, though we got to the big day and my husband and I spent it in a very unusual way – we played a computer game together.
Hospitals and first responders report the highest incidences of suicide and attempted suicides, due to an increase in depression rates at Christmas time. The unrealistic expectations, striving for perfection, and constant comparison to others is a recipe for the Christmas blues that causes many to get down in the dumps.
One of the largest impacts the last five weeks has been on my relationship with my husband. The pain has caused me to be even more withdrawn than usual, I feel guilty for being tired or in pain and needing to lie down, so I start to imagine that my husband is upset with me. My guilt causes this ideation to take root and soon, even if he was not upset before, he is now frustrated from the constant “are you okay” “what’s wrong” “what can I do” questioning, and I am now worn out and feeling slightly neglected from asking him these questions instead of being cared for during my pain lapse.